Don't get scared now. 

You can bet on silly little Puka Nacua ATDs on your own time. We have ghosts to watch out for, MVP battles to fight and big D's to admire! We have sweats to chase, people!!

It's Divisional Weekend, baby. Let's get into the Divisional Round Parlays ...

The Three Scared Money Bylaws:

1. May the Odds Never Be In Your Favor: We are absolutely NOT trying to play it safe. The crazier the odds, the better.
2. Narratives are EVERYTHING: Betting on something meaningless is an emotionally empty abyss. Instead, we're buying into the incredible outcomes that we want to become our reality. We're fans of the game—THAT is what drives the bet.
3. No wager is too small: Even the smallest bets can give you an INCREDIBLE sweat if they revolve around something you believe in. In fact, the smaller the better.

Longshot Parlays For The NFL Divisional Round

Big D Energy (+1081)

It's the biggest wager of the week, because I've got big D energy, baby!! Let's root for a little chaos, shall we?

Four games. Four legs. Four interceptions!

HOU vs NE: The Texans secured Aaron Rodgers' first interception in over 230+ consecutive completed passes last weekend. Now, Houston faces Drake Maye, who has thrown an INT in seven out of his last 11 games. But it’s really worse than that: Two of those four non-INT games were both against the Jets, who made NFL history this season with ZERO INT on the year. So, I think we can all agree that those two games don’t even count.

SF vs SEA: Seattle has already faced the 49ers twice this season, and they have three interceptions to show for it. With 18 total INT on the year, what’s one more against San Fran?

LAR vs CHI: I really wanted to build a leg with a Caleb Williams INT, but the books didn't even have that option available at the time of writing. So I'll go with Matthew Stafford instead. Hey, the Bears have caught an interception in all but five games this year … And that nasty weather in Chicago should help us out.

BUF vs DEN: THIS is the matchup I'm torn over. I know Josh Allen doesn't have any WRs left to throw to, but he's gone six consecutive weeks without throwing an INT. Plus, the Bills defense will need to make some big plays to keep them in the game, right? Bo Nix, I chose you.

Four legs. Four interceptions:

• Drake Maye Interceptions Thrown 1+
• Brock Purdy Interceptions Thrown 1+
• Matthew Stafford Interceptions Thrown 1+
• Bo Nix Interceptions Thrown 1+

Deja Vu Darnold (+950)

**PSA: Keep an eye on Sam Darnold's playing status … But the QB says he's ready. 

Let me start by reminding you of Darnold's 2024 season in Minnesota. It was great, until it wasn't.

• 14-3 in the regular season
• 4,315 yards and 35 TDs

BUT in their first playoff game … Darnold was sacked nine times for a loss of 80+ yards, threw an INT and only managed one passing TD in their loss. OOF.

Now with Seattle, Darnold is yet again 14-3 in the regular season heading into his first playoff game after their Bye. I know this is a different team and a different organization, but is Darnold a different man? 

I'm betting on Sam seeing ghosts again.

• SF 49ers Moneyline
• Sam Darnold v Brock Purdy Passing Yards Moneyline - Brock Purdy
• Sam Darnold Interceptions Thrown OVER 0.5
• Sam Darnold Passing Yards UNDER 231.5

SO SUE ME (+16918)

I don't care what the talking heads have to say. We only have four games this weekend, and I WANT DOPAMINE. So I'm rooting for fast-paced offenses to score again and again 

And again. 

It shouldn't be that hard, considering:

• Matthew Stafford has thrown at least two TDs in every single game except for Week 1 (HOU) and Week 6 (BAL).
• Caleb Williams has thrown at least two TDs in his last six games
• There were only six times during the regular season that Drake Maye threw less than two TDs
• Nearly 50% of the time, Sam Darnold throws at least two TDs every time
• Brock Purdy has only played 10 games this year, but he's thrown 22 TDs

We just need the other QBs to show up, the weather to calm down, and for Josh Allen to find someone to pass the f*cking ball to. 

I'm betting on the games I want to see. So sue me, you goddamn p*ssies! 

• Sam Darnold Passing Touchdowns 2+
• Brock Purdy Passing Touchdowns 2+
• Matthew Stafford Passing Touchdowns 2+
• Caleb Williams Passing Touchdowns 2+
• Bo Nix Passing Touchdowns 2+
• Josh Allen Passing Touchdowns 2+
• Drake Maye Passing Touchdowns 2+
• C.J. Stroud Passing Touchdowns 2+

MVP BRAWL (+7629)

Not only do we have the two main frontrunners for MVP fighting to stay alive this weekend, but 2024's MVP is still fighting for another win. 

We've got a real MVP battle on our hands, boys!! And these QBs are going to have to prove themselves in more ways than one.

• Matthew Stafford has to fight the weather and an impressive 4Q comeback team
• Josh Allen has to fight his ass off to find someone (anyone) to throw the ball to
• Drake Maye has to fight for his life for 60 minutes against one of the toughest defenses in the league

But who's afraid of Mother Nature, depleted WR room and tough matchups? Not me! I'm betting on each QB to throw at least two TDs, win their games … And we’re taking a couple of overs.

9-leg MVP parlay:

• LA Rams Moneyline
• Matthew Stafford Passing Touchdowns 2+
• Matthew Stafford Passing Competitions OVER 22.5
• BUF Bills Moneyline
• Josh Allen Passing Touchdowns 2+
• Josh Allen ATD
• NE Patriots Moneyline
• Drake Maye Passing Touchdowns 2+
• Drake Maye Passing Yards OVER 220.5
   

Real Underdog Sh*t (+48500)

If I'm going to root for an underdog, it sure as hell won't be a slightly unfavored team that's actually got a shot at winning. 

That's pretend underdog sh*t. 

I want to root for someone that really, truly, doesn't have a chance in hell. Like a 32-year-old WR who hasn't scored a TD all season. Or a fullback who hasn't scored since Week 6 of 2024. Or the backup to Woody Marks. 

The conditions have to be just perfect for them to even get their shot at the end zone. And even then, it probably won't happen. 

But that's what a true underdog story is all about, baby! At least, to me …

There underdogs:

• Brandin Cooks ATD
• Kyle Juszczyk ATD
• Nick Chubb ATD

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