Some NFL outcomes feel like they've come straight out of the Upside Down. On TNF Isaac TeSlaa outscored George Pickens for f*cks sake!!

And we've seen Stranger Things happen all season long. So I say: Why not bet on them?

It's Scared Money - Stranger Things Edition!

The 3 Scared Money Bylaws:

1. May the Odds Never Be In Your Favor: We are absolutely NOT trying to play it safe. The crazier the odds, the better.
2. Narratives Are EVERYTHING: Betting on something meaningless is an emotionally empty abyss. Instead, we're buying into the incredible outcomes that we want to become our reality. We're fans of the game—THAT is what drives the bet.
3. No wager is too small: Even the smallest bets can give you an INCREDIBLE sweat if they revolve around something you believe in. In fact, the smaller the better.

I Can Feel Him… He's Back +800

Zero TDs and two INTs would be a huge upgrade for Max Brosmer, but it f*cking sucks to see a statline like that from Josh Allen. In fact, Allen has been a sub-par performer two weeks in a row.

• Week 12 vs HOU: 24-253-0
• Week 13 vs PIT: 15-123-1

But can you feel that?? The hair on the back of my neck is starting to stand up! I'm getting goosebumps, baby!

I can feel him… Josh Allen is back!

The Bills face a porous Bengals defense this week and Joshy boy is Fantasy Life's top projected QB of the week. So yea… I knew what I needed to do. I went with some of his best case Xfinity projections and threw them together for a 5-leg parlay.

DON'T BE SCARED! It's not like Allen is a slimy villain from the Upside Down. He's the 2024 NFL MVP for f*cks sake!

Josh Allen 5-leg parlay:

• Josh Allen Passing Completions 20+
• Josh Allen Rushing Yards 40+
• Josh Allen ATD
• Josh Allen Passing Yards 250+
• Josh Allen Passing Touchdowns 2+

Stubborn Punk-Ass +625

Sometimes your favorite NFL team loses. Other times, they lose 10 of 12 games and rank dead f*cking last in the NFC South. AND THAT'S FINE. I'M FINE.

But I'm also a stubborn punk-ass.

So when my 2-10 Saints face up against our division rivals this weekend, I'm gonna have to root for them anyway, despite the sacks our QB has been taking and our lack of weapons on offense. (I miss you, Shaheed <3)

Plus, there's a pretty sick Tyler Shough edit going around on the internet lately…

2-leg Punk-Ass Parlay:

• NO Saints Moneyline
• Tyler Shough Passing Touchdowns 2+

Karen Wheeler's Wine Night +33786

Think of this bet as more of an experience than a "sweat." It's got legs that any wine-drunk mom would love: Anytime touchdowns from all the biggest names.

But don't feel obligated to choose MY ten legs. This is an experience, remember?

I want you to put your mind in Karen Wheeler's place. Draw yourself a bubble bath, enjoy a few glasses of red wine, and get to clicking on the players that feel right.

10-leg parlay:

• Jonathan Taylor ATD
• Derrick Henry ATD
• De'Von Achane ATD
• Davante Adams ATD
• Josh Jacobs ATD
• Rashee Rice ATD
• Ja'Marr Chase ATD
• Emeka Egbuka ATD
• Jaxon Smith-Njigba ATD
• Quinshon Judkins ATD

D&D? More Like TD&TD. +1300

In last week’s Fantasy Life newsletter, I asked three burning questions. For the first, I nailed Isaac TeSlaa’s 50% reception-to-touchdown ratio this week.

But now, for the second: Which GB Packer scores double TDs in Week 14?

Have you noticed the pattern?

• Week 11: Christian Watson 4-46-2
• Week 12: Emanuel Wilson 28-107-2
• Week 13: Dontayvion Wicks 6-94-2

My best guess for success against the Bears, who are allowing the third most TDs per game to WRs… Romeo Doubs.

• Romeo Doubs 2+ TDs

Suck My Fat One +35705

No one saw Derek Turnbow's character arc changing so quickly, did they? But before he became Delightful Derek, he was Dipshit Derek and he realllly pissed me off.

So here are a few ATDs that would piss me off enough to have me screaming into the void: SUCK MY FAT ONE! Because let the main guys get into the endzone, will ya?!

We definitely shouldn't be combining these. But I like my odds. If you don't, you know what you can do?? #SMFO

4-leg parlay:

• Tyler Allgeier ATD
• Parker Washington ATD
• Jaleel McLaughlin ATD
• Nick Chubb ATD

Mr. Whatsit +920

A Stranger Things article that doesn't mention Brenton Strange? I think not.

But remember, we can only see Mr. Whatsit in the Upside Down. So I'm taking the Unders on four players who have felt like figments of my imagination more than a few times this season.

4-leg Under parlay:

• Brenton Strange Receiving Yards UNDER 44.5
• Breece Hall Rushing Yards UNDER 70.5
• Lamar Jackson Passing Yards UNDER 219.5
• C.J. Stroud Passing TDs UNDER 1.5

Scared Money side effects may include rooting for 10-leg parlays built in a bath tub and extreme 4th quarter sweats. More serious side effects may include increased heart rate, high blood pressure, and swelling inside of your pants as the parlays come close to hitting. Ask your doctor if Scared Money bets are right for you.