I should take a moment to apologize to my family. During every single Rams drive last weekend, I was filling my home with loud profanities, swearing and sweating out a Matthew Stafford interception that never came.

It ended our 10-to-1 four-legger, but it was so incredibly fun, wasn't it?

So I should take another moment to apologize to my family, because I’m about to do it all over again, baby! THE SWEAT IS TOO ADDICTING. Screw the payouts, I need something to live and breathe for between every whistle!

That's why I'm tapping into my knowledge of film writing to build the most insane "NFL Scripted" parlays for the Conference Championships. (Don't worry, there won't be Stranger Things-sized plot holes.)

Don't get scared now! It's Scared Money time!

The 3 Scared Money Bylaws:

1. May the Odds Never Be In Your Favor: We are absolutely NOT trying to play it safe. The crazier the odds, the better.
2. Narratives Are EVERYTHING: Betting on something meaningless is an emotionally empty abyss. Instead, we're buying into the incredible outcomes that we want to become our reality. We're fans of the game—THAT is what drives the bet.
3. No wager is too small: Even the smallest bets can give you an INCREDIBLE sweat if they revolve around something you believe in. In fact, the smaller the better.

Script #1: Stidham Saves the Day (+8500)

Imagine watching the home-team underdogs come back from behind to win after a brutally tight back and forth. These two defenses could steal the show.

Say what you will about Jarrett Stidham, but the Broncos offensive line ranks:

• 1st in fewest sacks allowed
• 1st in pass-blocking grade
• 1st in pressure rate allowed

And Sean Payton has been coaching up the fans all week long. Remember, Payton is used to the New Orleans Superdome, so he knows a thing or two about crowd noise. And Saints fans are well aware of those Sean Payton induced "fan impact plays."

If Denver can throw the Patriots off their game with the noise, capitalize on offense with a backup QB who seems to have the locker room behind him, and let Stidham "rip it"… Maybe these four legs will come to life.

Either way, I'll be rooting for it. Stidham can scramble, right?

• DEN Broncos to Win from Behind YES
• Jarrett Stidham Anytime TD (*ATD)
• Jarrett Stidham Passing Yards 200+
• Total Under 42.5

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Script #2: There Can Only Be One No. 1 (+7471)

No f*cking way. This season's #1 offense and #1 defense are facing off??

It's not the Super Bowl, but it sure as hell feels like one!! Think of the possibilities here!

There are a million ways this game could play out when you have the MF'in MVP frontrunner, Matthew Stafford, facing Seattle, who held the 49ers to just two field goals last weekend. Blowout? Low scoring? Close game? Who the hell knows!

Seattle has been known to hold QBs to zero TDs, but not Stafford. Stafford threw 2 TDs against SEA in November and 3 TDs against them in December. In fact, he's the only QB in NFL history to manage over 400 yards, 3 TDs and 0 INTs against a No. 1 scoring defense … And he just did it in Week 16 against SEA.

Oh. And after last week, I'll be damned if I don't root for a Rashid Shaheed ATD. He's got a shot at a rushing TD, a passing TD, a punt return TD OR a kick return TD.

Yah. You heard me. Come on, Seattle!!

• Total Over 46.5
• SEA Seahawks Moneyline
• Rashid Shaheed ATD
• Each Team to Score 1+ Touchdown and 1+ Field Goal YES
• Successful 2-Point Conversion YES

Script #3: M. Night Shyamalan Twist (+127000)

While everyone's distracted with the "Drake Maye or Matthew Stafford" MVP discourse, wouldn't it be a much bigger twist for both of these guys to miss out on their chance to prove themselves this weekend?

I can see it now … Jarrett Stidham slings the ball in a panic one too many times to the wrong team, letting New England score defensively. And Stafford? He finally succumbs to the No. 1-ranked defense in the league (give or take a Rashid Shaheed return TD).

I'm not saying I want it to happen. Or even that it will. I'm just saying it would be a real M. Night Shyamalan twist.

And that's the sh*t I live for on game day. Scared money don't make money, baby!

• NE Patriots D/ST 2+ TDs
• SEA Seahawks D/ST 2+ TDs

Script #4: LET IT RIP (+8720)

Sam Darnold has thrown 14 INTs this season … SIX of them against the Rams. And the last time Stidham threw a completed pass was back in January 2024. In fact, of Stidham's seven career games where he played more than 30% of the snaps, he threw 7 INTs. Oof. As Brian Fantana would say: "30% of the time, he throws an INT every time."

With Darnold claiming he's gonna "let it rip" this weekend and Sean Payton saying Stidham's gonna "rip it"...

It just feels like the writing is on the wall, doesn't it?

• Sam Darnold 3+ Interceptions Thrown
• Jarrett Stidham 3+ Interceptions Thrown

Script #5: Run It Back (+4625)

After last week's sweat, I can't stop rooting for these interceptions, man! I'm sorry!

And last week, these defenses were stellar enough to give me hope for another fun weekend of celebrating picks:

• LA Rams - 3 INT
• SEA Seahawks - 1 INT
• NE Patriots - 4 INT
• DEN Broncos - 2 INT

So, screw it. Let's run it back. Whatdya say??

• Sam Darnold 2+ Interceptions Thrown
• Matthew Stafford 1+ Interceptions Thrown
• Jarrett Stidham 2+ Interceptions Thrown
• Drake Maye 1+ Interceptions Thrown

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